“Don't judge a man until you've walked two moons in his moccasins”.

First, I look at my resentments from the point of view of the one who has done the wrong.

• They are either aware they have wronged or they are not. If they are not then there is a misunderstanding that is often more easily reconciled. If they are aware a wrong has been committed, do they see the severity as I see it? This is also grounds for reconciliation involving a disagreement over the nature of the harm done.

  Let us assume they are aware of the nature of the wrong.

  If I were them, what would be the quality of my being?  I have at times experienced the wonder of a life free of the bondage of guilt, shame and remorse. Why would I ever intentionally harm another and return to bondage? What does it avail a man to gain a fortune and lose his soul? From this I know that when I do harm, I am in a state of not-knowing. I am in delusion.  

Forgiveness is easier when I realize the other is spiritually sick.

It is even easier when I see how much we have in common. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

• How have I been sick enough to wrong another? Often I have acted in the wrong against those I felt wronged me. This never improved a situation. It created problems. No level of justification or rationalization by my ego outweighs the negative impact a wrong action has on my spirit, the essence of who I am.

  How do I rationalize bad behavior? What is the basis of my justification?

  I can never know all the facts of any event or relationship. My facts are selective at best. My ego’s desire for immediate gratification creates delusion. I see what I want to see. My imagination becomes reality. I make decisions based on this new reality and take actions a future me will regret. I feel justified in acting outside of principles and, thus, wrong others. Afterwards, deep down I feel “dis-ease”. A spiritual malady ensues. I regret the past. I must make amends to be free again.

  Indeed, I wrong myself in three ways with every wrong done to another. First, at the time of the deed, I am out of awareness of the wonder of existence. I am unaware of the presence of God. Next, I waste time agonizing over the guilt. Again this takes me out of awareness. Finally, I suffer when I am compelled to prepare to make an amends. Dread, worry and anxiety block me from the richness of existence.

The victim suffers but maybe the perpetrator suffers more.

“Forgive them for they know not what they do.”

• What mind set can compel me to do harm to myself by harming another?

  I wrong another through self-seeking. I imagine that a given set of circumstances will make me happy. My ego develops a plan to arrange life toward these circumstances. I manipulate, ignore or run over others on the way to my goal. I never get there and I never get it just right. The outcomes never match the expectations.

   When I am in the outcomes business I am living a fundamental error.

  I realize today that life is a process not a series of outcomes. I am a chemical chain reaction that has continued unbroken for eons. Every fiber of my being is a Process.

  Self-seeking is delusion. I only recognize outcomes after they are past. How many outcomes are happening in me right now? Every cell in my body, every aspect of every relationship I have to the world is part of a set of all the outcomes that preceded it. And when I get “there”, the outcomes are never as imagined. The time spent in wishing for outcomes or in fear of outcomes is time away from awareness, in other words, from God’s presence.

My ego is the tool maker and tool user. It lives for outcomes in time – past and future.

This works beautifully when my ego is dealing with the material world. In this realm, the ego is capable of amazing and wonderful creations. It can also create tools for destruction.

• My ego manipulates the world to create forms from imagination. If directed by the inner spirit based on universal principles, the ego becomes a tool for good. If directed by instincts and my ego’s desire for outcomes, the results are unpredictable and usually unpleasant.

  My ego needs to be aligned with and be a tool for the spiritual in all things but especially those involving the non-material world.

  My ego naturally sees a relationship as another thing to be manipulated. Interactions with living beings are not on the material plane. A relationship is not a piece of wood to be carved and shaped. A relationship is not truly nameable or describable. Outcomes on this plane cannot exist in the form my ego perceives. They are delusional.

  My ego attempts to manipulate my relations with others in my imagination the way I would program a computer, fix a car or weed the garden. I even use mechanical terms: mending, building, broken, strained. Pride tells me I know more than is possible to know. "If I can repair a comouter I can mend a relationship."I feel justified.

  When I act out of rationalization and justification, I harm others because they get in my way. They get between me and my delusional expectations. They get between me and my preconceived outcomes.

The same forces drive the perpetrator and the victim.

What I perceive another is thinking is not really what they are thinking. What I remember happening in the past is not what happened. My imagination is not reality. It is not even close.

• I create the perception of the wrong another has done to me in my mind by my misjudgments. What is the source of my information?

  I perceive I am wronged when the actions of others seem to block me from a desired outcome. If delusion is at the heart of this type of perceived wrong, then the harm done is also delusional. Real harm is done only to that which is real. Most harm is emotional and psychological. No one can make me upset. I allow myself to be upset based on my reactions. There is a mental and emotional quality even when the damage is real.

  Even if I have a legitimate right to be upset, I ask one question, “Why would I want to exercise that right?” I have the right to commit suicide.   Why would I want to exercise that right?

  What does getting upset accomplish? For me, anger generates negative energy. It creates and deepens inner turmoil. It does not release energy in a positive way. It creates problems.

  What about heinous crimes:  genocide, racism, molestation. Is forgiveness ever harmful? Does forgiveness ever perpetuate future atrocities?

  The Judaic tradition recognizes forgiveness on two planes: between man and God and between fellow humans. God posts our sins in a book each year at Yom Kippur. The ten days preceding the Day of Atonement are used to get right with God. God does not forgive actions between fellow human. It is the duty of my fellow to accept my amends with two exceptions:

  “So I release anyone who has injured me either in person or in property, or has committed any manner of sin that one may commit against another [except for legally enforceable business obligations, and except for someone who has deliberately harmed me with the thought ‘I can harm him because he will forgive me'].”

  There are cases where I let go of resentment but at the same time should not absolve you of your obligations. This, not from selfishness but because I know kindness requires this approach.

  In every case, resentment is the acid that eats its own container.

  Thus, harming another serves no real purpose. Likewise, holding onto resentment serves no real purpose. At the end of the 1983 movie War Games, the WOPR computer realizes the similarity between tic-tac-toe and thermonuclear war. “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

Forgiveness is not simply the letting go of resentment, but rather forgiveness is awakening and remembering that there is nothing “real” to resent.

I have all that I require right now because I am. I exist. If I did not have all I require then I would not exist. The full realization of my existence creates awe and wonder. Wonder or gratitude is the conduit of real strength - my “gateway” to God.

• God’s will for me is more a “How” than a “What”. All will be well if I choose actions and thoughts to follow based on two measures: integrity and kindness. Resentment is neither kind nor integral.

Forgiveness is a universal principle; To Forgive a Universal Tool.

• Forgiveness comes from a position of strength. The ancient Hindu text the Mahabharata says:

  "There is only one defect in forgiving persons, and not another; that defect is that people take a forgiving person to be weak. That defect, however, should not be taken into consideration, for forgiveness is a great power. Forgiveness is a virtue of the weak, and an ornament of the strong. Forgiveness subdues (all) in this world; what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve? What can a wicked person do unto him who carries the saber of forgiveness in his hand? Fire falling on the grassless ground is extinguished of itself. An unforgiving individual defiles himself with many enormities. Righteousness is the one highest good; and forgiveness is the one supreme peace; knowledge is the one supreme contentment; and benevolence, the one sole happiness."
   (From the Mahabharata (authored between 400 BCE-400 AD), Udyoga Parva Section XXXIII, Translated by Sri Kisari Mohan Ganguli). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness

  Buddhism places much emphasis on the concepts of Mettā (loving kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkhā (equanimity), as a means to avoiding resentments in the first place. These reflections are used to understand the context of suffering in the world, both our own and the suffering of others. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness

  Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments.
  “Forgiveness may facilitate self-control in the form of increased persistence on tasks, as suggested in two experiments. Forgiveness appears to free mental and/or emotional energy that helps people sustain good performance, even on tasks completely unrelated to the forgiveness situation….

  Humility, Egotism, Forgiveness, and the Victim Role, Roy Baumeister, Florida State University, 2002
  http://www.forgiving.org/Result_Summaries_2006/Roy_Baumeister.pdf